The Vantage Point

Despite the fact that I squeal over the possibilities of an engagement announcement and get a little 'mushy' perusing wedding and other related photos, bridal showers weren't events I used to be at in the past. Probably because it was not really in vogue where I grew up and even in my time. So being at my lil sister's bridal shower was a rare one for me and memorable too.

Now I also don't know what actually goes down at most showers, but the planners of this one made sure there was good time devoted to talking. During this session, questions were asked and lots of counsel shared, mostly from the experiences of those who have been married years before. All to better prepare the new bride for the new phase.

I felt privileged being able to contribute my own bit, having been on this journey for some years too. It seemed natural to look back at the many lessons I'd garnered over the years and to bring it to such a forum to share.

In reality, we all stand in what I'll call 'Points of Advantage'. We've been there, we've seen that, we've done that. We have had successes that brought us gladness. We have had falls, stirred ourselves up, brushed off the dusts and resumed the runs. In all, we have grown and gathered such wealth of knowledge that only experience doles to those it has had direct contact with.

On another hand, life gives us opportunities to leave footprints for those coming after, such that they would run even better. It allows us from the strength we have gained to provide a helping hand or a supporting shoulder to that one who has become weary.

However, at other times, it challenges us to seek out those opportunities to share our wisdom because of the Vantage Point where we now stand. It is easy to look down on certain moments of our lives and assume no one needs to hear that story, but you'll be amazed at how desperately some need them.  

I remember the movie – Vantage Point, which I watched years back. It showed clearly how the spots where people have stood in life have better positioned them for specific views of life's happenings. Eventually our vantage points when better perceived helps connect those dots when we've stepped out of it all.

So then, as we live and learn, let us maximise our many Vantage Points so someone else may see better, understand deeper, or just simply be reminded that that impossible is possible.

'Been There, 'Stand Here, 'See That

 

It was six men of Indostan

To learning much inclined
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind

The first approached the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
“God bless me! But the Elephant
Is very like a WALL!”

… The Third … And happening to take
The squirmy trunk… Thus boldly spoke up and spake:
“…Is very like a SNAKE!”

 …The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: “E’en the blindest man
Can tell …is very like a FAN!”

…And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

 (The Blind Men and the Elephant

John Godfrey Saxe (1816 – 1887))

This is an abridged version of this poem, but I have tried to leave some vital details. I learnt it way back in my elementary days, but recent happenings have brought to mind its major lesson. And this has helped me see some issues a bit differently.

Now these ‘blind’ men were in fact using all they had basically to understand the ‘wonder’ they had come to meet. Each one interpreting from their experience based on where they stood and what they touched.

My assumption is that if they all changed positions, they might still say similar things (maybe not exact), to what the previous man had said. So instead of ‘snake’, maybe another blind man would have said ‘hose’ or even ‘rope’. The previous experiences they have had (the turns of life faced, perhaps even personal discovery from victories and failures) shaped each one’s perception leading to those final conclusions.

We all go through life facing issues and getting to hear what others go through. How we perceive those situations, how we judge and also react is tied to our personalities and what has made us who we are (experiences and exposure).

My take from this is that to a big extent, all views and opinions are relatively fair. This realization could actually help us handle issues, especially those involving people a little more differently. In actual fact our different personalities, upbringing, knowledge gained, association and exposure are continually driving how we see. Changes in these also modify our perception too, that is why we are continually changing. It is also why we may not be right all of the time. I could say my town is the largest place on earth, till I stand at the top of the Empire State building (102 floor bldg. in New York) and look at the view from there. However, like the last stanza put their views… albeit subtly fair, not necessarily right.

This does not essentially mean we should leave others in their ‘wrong’ since they may just be seeing or experiencing a small part of the bigger picture. The focus when desiring to help should be to change what we can. Their past and personalities are beyond us, but we can help them adjust even if just a bit from where they stand. We may need to patiently take them round to feel more parts of the elephant, get the bigger picture to respond even more appropriately. Personally, I also try to pray, because it could be tough. So when next someone says ‘really that cup is half empty’, pause and remember this poem before you decide how to respond.

The other challenge is ourselves. We need to make sure we are humble and open to allowing others help us see from a different angle, to share from what they have experienced, or the superior information they have on that issue before we respond or conclude. We need to be flexible to shift from where we stand to where we can get a clearer view and have a better opinion. And probably instead of those individual parts emphasized in the poem, we’ll say, the elephant is all of these indeed.

Pass On The Torch

The debate went well. It was another learning opportunity. It felt good being there to see how issues were taken by the candidates. However, the events that followed as the program came to a close were the most unpredictable, unplanned, infact the very last I could ever have considered would happen to me on such a day like that.

As I moved in the throng to extend my greetings to my mum’s friend, who I had noted earlier, I felt a hand slip swiftly into my bag and out. But I knew. I knew an item had been taken and it clicked immediately that it had to be my phone. Immediately, I turned around and grabbed the hand of a man who I felt was the closest to do such and was already turning away. I accosted him, ‘you put your hand in my bag now’. Ofcourse he denied, but while I confirmed to be really sure, he had walked away. Again I followed, pushing my way through the crowd and stopped the man again (well I think it was the same person), telling him he took my phone and all, this time, this one advised me to call the line. Alas, it dawned on me, there was no way to catch the perpetrator, everyone had been advised to leave their phones on silent or vibrate during the program.

I felt really sad, confused, everything negative but tried to pray. I prayed that somehow God would order my steps, show me mercy and show me favour. My prayer was answered.

So as not to bore you with the details, I’ll make it a brief one. I got the phone back. Less than 3 hours after the incident. The lady who gave me back explained that she had picked it when it fell on her leg in the crowd. I met her at her location and she returned it without collecting a dime.

On my way back I suddenly remembered an incident that occurred some weeks back. I had erroneously got an SMS for a recharge into my network via my phone. The remitter and beneficiary had reached me immediately pleading for me to refund. I couldn’t refund directly or do anything that night but the next day I sent back the PIN for the credit of the same value (an unplanned expense though). I got thank-you messages from them afterwards, to which I had replied saying – "...that’s the way we’ve been taught of the Lord, you can pass on the good works".

Truth is, the opportunity to do the right, to do good came my way, I harnessed it and it left me feeling great. I was also a recipient of someone who chose to do right, to do good and I know I was not the only one who felt wonderful but the lady would have as well.

It’s like a torch, we need to pass it on. I can imagine a world where we are all conscious of the needs of the next person; where we make it our personal objective to keep doing the right things and being good. The opportunity is there, the feeling is rewarding and priceless; when you are a recipient, you also enjoy like I did, the wonderful feeling of receiving kindness.

I encourage you with a few lines from my High School’s anthem

…Pass on the love that can transfigure…

We forward press not backward turning,
That this our torch more brightly burning
May yet pass on and on forever….

Define Success for Yourself

I was able to take a short break from work recently and made a discovery that now means so much to me. By the way, a break is something I strongly recommend. Amongst other benefits, it also affords you the opportunity to take a step out of your regular routine to appreciate your life from a different angle and of course get better refreshed to continue. For me, I was opportune to meditate (when my kids were off my sensory range) on what Success meant to me.

I’ve come to realize that Success actually means different things to different people. Even for each individual, the phase of life one is in, the experience one is going through also determine what success is. However, most of us tie it to the achievement of goals alone. For a child in elementary school, success is probably about going home with a report that makes mum and dad smile. For another in college, it may be beyond just making the parent smile at graduation to making an excellent grade above peers. And then it goes on to getting a wonderful job, getting recognized as a star performer at work or winning the contract as a business owner.

Truth is when we achieve those goals, we do feel good, but not long after that, we’re pursuing something else. On the other extreme, we never really define it for ourselves. We let what others have defined it to be to determine how we rate ourselves on the ‘success-o-meter’. So there could be someone who feels good enough about being a size 12, but because others feel a size 8 or 10 has a better figure, she begins to feel less “successful” and then goes through so much to be a success by their definition.

For a long time, I have quietly asked myself what it would take for me to eventually feel confident as successful but the period of reflection I had during my leave settled it. It’s the concept behind what it means that really matters. Now, 2 simple words if met at any point in my life would tell me clearly that “Olubukola Ogunfayo, you are a Success”. In Performance Management, we call those words – Key Performance Indicators. They are COMFORT and RELEVANCE.

Yes, I know some may say comfort is relative, relevance is time-bound; but to me comfort would be ease of getting what I need or want at anytime and relevance, being critical at all times. Now what this has done for me is to make me easily assess how close I am to my Success target or rate my success level. I have taken time to review different areas of my life – Faith, Marriage, Work etc on how comfortable and relevant I am.

I have also decided on certain actions I will take, goals with timelines I need to set, identified resources I must get that would make achieve both in these areas. I will not trade one for another because both need to be there for me to feel successful.

My counsel on this is for everyone to know exactly what makes them feel successful. We need to be able to identify our success level at every point in life so we can comfortably say we have become success stories despite how others may feel. I have found mine, have you?

Life – A Relay Race

Right now, my mind is jam-packed with recent learnings which I intend to sort out gradually and share, so I have decided to post this learning from my archive. It helped me in making certain resolve.

Sometime ago, I observed and heard the stories of those who passed on and the effect on their immediate family. And it gave me concern.

At the time this thought flooded my mind, I wondered majorly about the financial challenge that may come with the passing away of the parent on the young ones. Worse still if were both parents at the same time. Would there have been enough in place for the children to survive and live on, especially with the standard they enjoyed in the lifetime of their parent? Would there have been someone mandated with the responsibility to administer these funds, if all kids were minors, in a fair, wise and proper way? Would every area of their lives be well cared for – emotional, psychological, physical? Is there any establishment in place now that handles this fully?

Some would say there are insurance companies and all, but besides financial re-imbursement to the next of kin, are they saddled with the responsibility of somewhat filling that parent’s shoes especially when there is no worthy family member to take charge?

Then I discussed this at small meeting and I came out with the understanding that there are certain things you need to pass on to your young ones/put in place now so as to keep your mind at rest. So that come what may, when they take the baton from you at the time you pass it on, they would run their race even better than you did yours.

Firstly is the finance bit. This cannot be underestimated - Savings, investments and property. Never assume any sum is too small to set aside. Little drops make an ocean. Be diligent, be consistent. Along with this, is letting your spouse, lawyer or trusted friend/family in on whatever is in place for them. An uncle once told me when I marketed a company’s shares to him that, he would rather focus on property, since his kids could sue tenants for non-payment of rent and not the management of a company for non-payment of dividends. Different schools of thoughts but I got something from his counsel.

Secondly, you must imbibe the right values in them. The first may be a tough call for some but this one costs only time and conscious effort. If they can’t stand for something, they’ll fall for anything. Let your kids know what you stand for. Let them also know those values would make them outstanding, with or without you. Values like integrity, loyalty, excellence, humility, fairness etc are being used in companies now so everyone is functioning with the same mindset to sustain the business and its brand, how much more a lineage?

Thirdly, the ability to make something out of nothing or increase whatever comes into their hands. This would help them turn those lemons life offers them to lemonade. It would also enable them appreciate their small beginnings ad maximize the little they have in hand for greater things.

Lastly, but definitely not the least is faith & hope in God. This assures them someone greater than man is on their side. It would let them know come what may, the best is yet to come and will surely come.

So as we pray for long life, let’s remember, life is a relay as we pass the baton on to the generations after. Know the colour of your baton and let them know what colour they are looking out for to run with when it’s their turn.

A Standby Shoulder, An Earnest Ear

Happy New Year to you all. It’s the first post this year and I trust it would bless you like others have. For me, and this I pray for you too, this year would be specially different. There would be a special difference in every area of life. That would make the year remarkable and memorable. I guess we all have certain things we are looking forward to and I know by Divine grace, they’ll be achieved.

I hope the title of the post will be the appropriate for this post. I feel it’s important that it does, so that by remembering the title after now, the message would be refreshed in our minds. As I have come to appreciate these parts of the body more after 2 recent incidents.

Sometime last year, a young Nigerian attempted to bomb an airplane flying into America. The news was perceived from different angles by different people as all other news we hear. However, what moved me the most was a reference in a dailies article to this young lad once saying he was lonely. A little more was said on him feeling set-apart in ideology from a few around him. And sincerely it gave me concern.

Not long after this, an acquaintance of mine mentioned a comparative story of a lady who just committed suicide, leaving behind her child who was less than 4 years old. She had lost her husband a year or two before then and was having a few challenges, finance being the major. Again, I felt really concerned.

My conclusion was this, or rather a question that rose in my heart was – would a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear to talk to have made a difference? I strongly believe so. For this young man for instance, the tell tale signs of him needing the shoulder and ear (peharps mum’s/dad’s) was when he observed his loneliness. His situation gradually took a better part of him and he became willing to die, even if it was for a cause he alone believed in. This lady was probably unable to find a shoulder to cry on, an ear to talk to in order to unburden her despair, she also became willing to end it all, because she didn’t feel she had a cause to live for or the will to survive any longer.

My challenge to all is this, identify a standby shoulder and an earnest ear and grab it when you begin to feel discouraged with life, feel lonely, feel broke, feel intimidated, feel sad or any other negative feeling. Even if you do not seek counsel at that time, you need to be able to unburden before you get over-burdened and then probably lose hope. I even have a list, God and my hubby being top 2.

Another side to it is this; we may actually be saving a life and not know we’re doing it by being a standby shoulder and earnest ear. Sometimes we need to be discerning enough to allow that “chatter-box” to talk, or unwind that “quiet one”. You could be one to your parent, sibling, colleague, neighbour or even the next passenger in a bus. It could be at a time when they need hope re-stirred in them. And we are the only ones available to do so.

On a final note as we continue in the year, don’t forget to get discerning as your shoulder, your ear, your smile, your touch, your words in season could save a life.

The Maze Of Life 3

On this 3rd and let me say last part to the maze of life I would just share briefly on the other aspect to the maze. I had initially focused on the fact that each person's path in ilfe differs, which eventually forms a maze. For some it’ll be almost simple and straight, for other the turns would be just a few and for some quite a number. In as much as the decision on where to turn at those junctions lies with us. I’ve also emphasized the need to appreciate yours and learn from others.

The other aspect I intend to share is the realization that in the maze of life, some paths would cross and remain together till the end, while some will start together, break off at some point and still meet together, others starting together which disperse may never cross again.

I had also earlier mentioned the traditional proverb on 20 friends not staying together for 20 years. However, my area of concern is this- for those years you are together, for those times your paths crossed what can those people say about you? How much of good influence did you have on their lives? While I will not encourage breaking off from a friend just because of issues that mught have occurred without proper reconciliation, I understand that knowing people over time will help you identify if they are to remain your best buddies, which would mean some form of breaking off or separation for some that would be for good.

I challenge you again, some of those people in your life now could have their paths meeting with yours for just a while, so make an effort to take it as an opportunity to influence them positively, in other words be a blessing to them. Who knows if that may help them in their next phase in life.